adonijah

Issues

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 02:49:55 GMT

Wow, wow is damn near all I can say. I thought I wouldn't have to use this again, but more and more I am feeling like a stray wolf who is lost in the woods, yet right next to the people he has always known, and still can't help to feel completely misunderstood/lonely. I haven't had a serious/honest relationship for years, and when I "say" years I mean 3.. And I feel that because of my relationship issues, apart of me has died a painful death. And I feel that coupled with a disorder that I've developed recently, it's going to make hanging onto people a lot harder, especially a girlfriend.

Now onto this disorder, now I haven't gone to a psychologist yet but I can tell I got something wrong up there. Maybe it's my years of smoking or the month or two when I used shrooms, but something is brewing inside of me that make's me eff everything up. Sometimes I find myself searching for words so I stutter sometimes. Or I just don't talk because I have nothing to talk about.. And it feels so weird to type that knowing my past as a hyper kid who couldn't keep his mouth shut. But now, everything has gone a little down hill. Now what I'm trying to figure out if this is a drug related issue or a psycological issue. Is it because I smoke too much or because something is abnormal in my brain and now I can't think straight at times. Or maybe, just maybe this is how I handle stress... I can honestly say in my life that normally I handle stress so good that I could just shrug everything off. But now this is stuttering business is so fustrating it creates a massive ammount of stress and anxiety and I just don't know what to do these days.

All of that has been on my heart recently. I apologize for not keeping up with this diary, I thought I could just kick this to the side and not deal and/or think or even process my problems that they'd just go away. Unfortunatly, I was completely wrong and now I am suffering deeply because of it.

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 19:32:12 GMT

Was bored so I made a pic. I remember in my noob Photoshop days on here with the guy and blood.. classic :P

Uhhmm.. Yeah working more recently.. Tom came back from Az and broke up with his hot asian girl friend and he misses the asian holes... ^^;;

http://www.shadow-phoenix.com/

I am currently working as a 2d Graphics teammember for that Half Life 2 Mod. ;) And the pic above got me the job :P

I....

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 04:44:45 GMT

I want you.. will you love me?

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 04:01:04 GMT

SHAWING!

I got a job today at Albertsons I get paid $7.26 per hour and I get time and a half on Sundays ($10.87)..

I'm looking forward to it. I had smoked weed 2 weeks prior to drug test (GAH!) so I went and bought a $50 QCarbo drink from GNC.. and it worked and made my piss come accross clean.

So I'm happy.... Uhhm... not much else to put up... yeah....

Well

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 05:24:34 GMT

Well I haven't died or anything.. I'm out of school, forced to get a GED due to the fact if I had to go and make up the 5.5 credit's I need it would take $4800(child support) out of my $10,000 college fund set up by my father. So I am going to college in January with my friend and I might move out.

Shazam for the update!

Life is dull

Sun, 21 Mar 2004 14:47:00 GMT

Nothing new has been happening recently. I tried hookin up with this one girl Katie from my school, but then I realized that she wasn't my type. I want to pursue Jessica but sadly she never calls anyone (anxiety or something) and I need that in a relationship.

I want things to happen with a girl but not till the right one comes around =\

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 01:26:45 GMT

Sorry I haven't writen in a while. Nothing too major has gone on lately. I was off of school for a whole week. Oh joy. I got my camera.. Plenty of fun I guess Well today was... eventful.. I got a hug from this girl named Beverly, the same girl whom I've known all highschool and have had a minor crush on her the whole time. She's pretty awesome.

After school I was walking to catch the Metro and I hear from over my sholder "Katie whats up gurl?!" After the friendly greeting the tables quickly turned. "What the fuck, I heard you fucked my man bitch!" I was like ut oh! And Kaitie isn't small, but she ain't fat either (5'10" Thick build, but I woudn't call her fat).. Then the fists started flying, I was rather excited to see girls not so much only pull hair but throw blows and fight. It was great.After about 5 minutes passed and the cops came all of us left.
While walking to the bus stop Andrew stops me to say whats up and we walked towards the bus and he was like "We need to talk" and he told me this before break so I was expecting it. So he brings up the fact that I sold his womans mother some things and she got no buzz. She took 6 of them and felt nothing (She got 10 for $20). And now he tells me she wants her $20 back.. I'm thinking what the fuck?! It's not my fault she has a built up resistance (People buy OxyContin for $20 from her all the time). She now he says "bring $20 on friday or bad things will happen" I'm like WHAAAAA?!
1. It's only $20
2. It's not my fault she didn't feel anything when I've taken em and felt numb as fuck
3. I've given them to other people and have had NO complaints.

This is so stupid. If he even trys to fight me on Friday I'm just going to laugh in his face. I have more dirt on them then they have on me. So what I sold 20? Fine me. She's delt so much more of a harder drug. Anything happens to me you can GARANTEE I'm going to be breaking into their shitty ass apartment and getting my money back one way or another.

Anyways. I'm here and reading. Don't delete/forget about me.

Yeah, I know..

Sat, 14 Feb 2004 03:14:23 GMT

I will do a real update soon, I promise.

And yes, thats the tracking for my digital camera!

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 23:03:54 GMT

So last night was rather… interesting. Ryan and I decided we should go up to Snoqualmie pass and tear it up in the parking lot. Great plan right? Well there has been this weird noise under his car for a while, sounded like something loose. So we get going, having fun doing a few doughnuts then all of a sudden the noise stops, we're thinking sweet, fixed the problem!. Low and behold we go down the street a little and the car is smoking a lot! We pull to the side and try to pour more oil in it and the oil goes straight through to the ground. Sucky eh?!

So we start the car after my reassurance that John's car has went 500 miles with out oil.. We make it like 12 miles and then we have engine failure, it cut out. So we're sitting on the side of the road at like 10:30 in the snow, in the cold. After calling different places getting tow truck numbers all has failed because now it's getting later and snow is falling. Finally we call Triple A my friend signs up for an account ($85) and then it's $3 per mile after the first 5 miles of the tow. So he tells us in total it's roughly $220 total.. We say fine because he had $145 in cash and I have money at home for my camera where I could front it to him. We wait about 45 minutes and then we call back and find out that they didn't have anyone coming out to get us, they lied to us to make us keep the account.

Soon his mother arrived and drove us up to the lodge and we got a number of a place and they drove it to North Bend and charge my friend $122.. So it's safe to say he needs to find someone with a tow latch.. thingy.

So I got home at 3:30 AM.. Yeah it's safe to say I slept till about noon today and didn't go to school.. I had a crazy dream.

Tom and I were getting drunk and this one guy calls me and tells me he is bi.. And it was supposed to be Mike's house but it didn't look like his house. It was a cool dream..

<3

An old convo

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 06:43:48 GMT

Well I found this old convo in my email in the saved folder. It's hard to believe at 14 I had felt what love was. this is a convo about this girl named Carrie who I went out with and still talk to here and there. I was talking to her good friend (neighbor out in the boonies) Amie. Amie wanted me to give Carrie another chance. Finally I snapped and told her that I'm not attracted to Carrie at all, all I wanted was to mess around. Gah I've grown so much and yet stayed the same in so many ways.

SweetCandyKitten: why wont you talk to me jered
Dare de745: James is on his comp
Dare de745: its me JAmes
SweetCandyKitten: Sup Jamez
SweetCandyKitten: this isnt really...sister barbra of whatever, its amie, i was
just fuckin with your head
Dare de745: Nothing you never talk to me so i just tend to forget that your
there.
SweetCandyKitten: but you had a good point about the animals
SweetCandyKitten: So what did noah feel them on the ark if he only had 2 of
every animal... and he had to keep then
Dare de745: yeah well
SweetCandyKitten: lol
SweetCandyKitten: So whats up with you and carrie?
Dare de745: nothing much
SweetCandyKitten: i think differently
Dare de745: You want a pic of my dick?
Dare de745: James's
SweetCandyKitten: No thanks........
Dare de745: You sure?
SweetCandyKitten: You wanna know what i do want though?
SweetCandyKitten: pretty positive..
Dare de745: What is that?
SweetCandyKitten: I was you and carrie to hook up again
SweetCandyKitten: you guys have gone out before and it all worked out!
SweetCandyKitten: why not do it again!
SweetCandyKitten: you guys are like, perfect for each other, and i think you
make a GREAT couple
Dare de745: because there are other people I like
SweetCandyKitten: SO!!!!!!!
Dare de745: So.. I want to go out with one of them
SweetCandyKitten: you cant have all of them... So why not have the one who
REALLY likes you back
SweetCandyKitten: she could keep you happy
SweetCandyKitten: VERY happy if ya catch my drift
Dare de745: I know what u mean
SweetCandyKitten: James, give me a reason why not?
Dare de745: I could get that from her weather or not we are going out or not
SweetCandyKitten: other than that other girl at your school
Dare de745: Cause In my heart I dont feal its right
SweetCandyKitten: YEA RIGHT!
SweetCandyKitten: you could get it from your hand
SweetCandyKitten: james your a 14 year old horny teenager, none of us can tell
what right and wrong in our hearts
Dare de745: Shows how well you know me
Dare de745: All my relationships are always emotional charged... I have still
yet to have sex.. I just went out with a girl who wantwed it for a long time i
could have done it with her many times but i didn't cause it doesn't mean that
much to me.
Dare de745: I might be horney on the outside but truely i am a great guy who no
one gets to know
Dare de745: No one understud me like my ex.. No one can read me like a book..
No one can tell me when I am uneasy and have me talk about it.. Carrie isn't the
one for me.
SweetCandyKitten: thats sweet
Dare de745: Your probably telling carie everyword I am sayin
SweetCandyKitten: Shows how well you know me
Dare de745: Thats why every person I have liked in the past and like now (Like
you) Will never really get to know me cause no one ever talks to me seriously
one on one, cause everyone talks to me how i act. yeah i act sex crazed and
silly but when i talk to cirtain people i like talking seriouse but they never
do cause they want to be like me when they dont know the real me.
SweetCandyKitten: well maybe you should just be who you are??? I would have
talked to you more seriously if i would have thought there was more to you than
just a dick and a pulse.. no offence...
Dare de745: mmm... I guess i deserve that.
Dare de745: I used to drive alot of people off. But then I learned there more
to girls.. Its whats below the hard crust they takes some time to break and
there is wonderful hapiness
SweetCandyKitten: I just really think you should give carrie a chance.. you
never know, maybe theres more to her than you know right now..
SweetCandyKitten: Jamez, take what you just said and apply that to carrie
Dare de745: Well.. errr I just don't like her like that...
SweetCandyKitten: not yet
SweetCandyKitten: James.. youll never know unless you give her a chance
Dare de745: Mine and Carries time is over with.. I don't think there will be
another time
Dare de745: Her and I dont click like we used too.
SweetCandyKitten: james.. you need to give her a chance.
SweetCandyKitten: shes a hgreat person
Dare de745: We dont get theys concersations like you and I are having right
now.
SweetCandyKitten: just try
Dare de745: I do not want to.
SweetCandyKitten: maybe shes a little intimidated by the "old" sex crazed james
SweetCandyKitten: have you ever explained to her about who you really are?
Dare de745: No and I dont plan to
SweetCandyKitten: maybe that will make her feel more comfortable with being
open with you??
SweetCandyKitten: why not?? you dont want to give her a chance?
Dare de745: You just don't understand..
Dare de745: I do not like her like that no more
SweetCandyKitten: james, you only live once... and live every daty to the
fullest, there should be a great memory to go along with every day you live...
Dont turn down an oppertunity like this one.. you and carrie could have
something GREAT and i know you both really well, i can tell
SweetCandyKitten: and if you SUED to like her than you should now, cause shes
changed, but only in good ways
SweetCandyKitten: so you liked the old insecure bitchy carrie? or the new
beautiful, confident carrie?

Dare de745: Well I don't know
Dare de745: Now that I have felt true love I have never loved anyone else..
Dare de745: I have only liked and it has to be more then that now to fly past
me
SweetCandyKitten: James, youre only 14.. you dont need to worry about love
right now!!!!!!! its not like im asking you to marry her.. just have fun with
her!!!
SweetCandyKitten: James, dont waste your life looking for love.. cause thats
all it is, a waste
SweetCandyKitten: okay, im gonna tell you a tory
Dare de745: Well damnit I would rather share that with somone then waste time
having fun.. I like the more seriouse type
SweetCandyKitten: i went out with this guy (josh) for SO long, and I really
thought that i LOVED him.. we were practically inseperable.. i thought that i
was going to DIE if i had to spend one day without him.. I thought i was gonna
marry him and it would be me and josh forever
SweetCandyKitten: the one day... he dumped me, jsut like that
SweetCandyKitten: it was like dropping a bomb on me
SweetCandyKitten: i thought i was gonna fall over and die right there
Dare de745: I know how that is
SweetCandyKitten: I almost thought about not waiting to die anymore, but doing
it myself,
SweetCandyKitten: luckily i didnt
SweetCandyKitten: anyway
SweetCandyKitten: 3 months passed when i just sat there and waited and waited
for love to come along againit never did... but thats not the end
SweetCandyKitten: All i did was sit there and cry over josh and waiterd untill
i could find someone else to love
SweetCandyKitten: i was desperate, i went out with almost ANYONE who would take
me, hoping they would be the love of my life....
SweetCandyKitten: but EVERYONE seemed like this complete LOSER compared to josh
SweetCandyKitten: there had been this guy who i had like about a year ago, but
we never really made much of it.. we were friends even though we didnt talk that
much
Dare de745: yeah
SweetCandyKitten: i got the impression that he liked me, but i never really
felt any attraction to him, cause josh was the one for me
SweetCandyKitten: well one day he ggopt my cell number and started calling me
SweetCandyKitten: we got to talking more and more and more,and with every
conversation we peeled away a piece of each other, revealing more and more of
who we really were
Dare de745: ok..
SweetCandyKitten: one day.. i sat there and thought about it, and realized that
i had fallen for ben without even realizing it
SweetCandyKitten: i didnt sleep that night, i just layed awake, thinking about
how socked i was
SweetCandyKitten: and now... well lets just say that I dont LOVE ben, but he
has made me believe that there is more to life that just josh
SweetCandyKitten: i have a great time whenever im with ben... we cuddle, fight,
play around.. ive practically FORGOTTEN about josh
Dare de745: Were you phisicly attracted to Ben or Josh?
SweetCandyKitten: physically? Nope, not really, i used to make fun of ben and
call him a stalker

SweetCandyKitten: ONE DAY I DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE... AND IT JUST
HAPPENED.. ONCE I GOT DOWN TO THE REAL HIM, WE JUST CLICKED!!

SweetCandyKitten: oops. sorry bout the caps
Dare de745: Well carrie said you though one of them was hot or atleast you said
it
SweetCandyKitten: Well, once i really got to know them, their personality made
them the most attractive person on earth
Dare de745: Well theres got to be some attraction.. Carrie has just been a
homie sence day 1 and i cant see her and i going out again
SweetCandyKitten: james, you just dnt understand at all
SweetCandyKitten: youre too stubborn and narrow minded
Dare de745: I understnad I am not attracted to carrie ok!? There I said it i
dont want to be mean at all I just am not attracted to her at all there always
got to be some attraction when your going out with someone to give them a
change sick and twistred as it may seam that how it is.
SweetCandyKitten: Whatever... thats how it is to you
SweetCandyKitten: you know what james? You are a complete jerk, and I cant
believe you just said that
Dare de745: Narrow minded I am the last person to be called narrowminded i get
bitched at all the time for not being narrow minded would a narrowminded
christian read sections of a satan bible? No he wouldn't.
Dare de745: Well I do not like her. That how it is was and always will be
SweetCandyKitten: I dont want to talk to you anymore.. okay?
SweetCandyKitten: Leaveme alone
Dare de745: .. i see how it is I be open and I get shot down.
SweetCandyKitten: no james
Dare de745: Always happens.. bye
SweetCandyKitten: youre not being open to yourself
SweetCandyKitten: youre not being yourself at all
SweetCandyKitten: thats what disgusts me
Dare de745: You don't know me.
SweetCandyKitten: the fact that you would say something that aweful, just
because thats how most people think it should be
Dare de745: So you shouldn't judge me.
SweetCandyKitten: the people who base a relationship on looks are cold shallow
people... and theres a hell of a lot of them out there, now either youre one of
them , or you think that you have to believe that they believe just to be
considered normal
Dare de745: No there has to be a little phicical attraction to consider going
out with someone.. Looks arn't everything.. There a verry little somthing.
SweetCandyKitten: you think im pretty, right?
SweetCandyKitten: at least you did when you saw me at the choir thing
Dare de745: Yes, very much some inside and outside
SweetCandyKitten: and have you seen JOSH! hes the uglyest motherfucker out
there!
Dare de745: brb ok?
SweetCandyKitten: i wasnt at all physically attracted to him!!!!!!!!!
Dare de745: back
Dare de745: Well... I don't know what to say to that
SweetCandyKitten: Looks are nothing.... Looks are for sex only, otherwise, ll
that looks are is the appearance that your eyes see, nothing more. What really
matters james, is what your heart sees... and your heart doesnt see physical
traits, it only sees the beauty or uglyness of someones insides
SweetCandyKitten: i believe that there are two kinda of relationships
Dare de745: Which are?
SweetCandyKitten: There are scientific Flings, and there are real
"relationhips"...... a scientific fling is physical attraction... you think its
real just cause the attraction of their face or body speeds up your hormones
which can give you a "rush" commonly mistaken for love
SweetCandyKitten: which of course dies in a matter of time...
Dare de745: Yes
SweetCandyKitten: a real relationship though, is when you get to see the
inside of somebody, and what you see on the inside makes that person attractive
to you, its like you know how they think and feel, and that feeling can also
give you a rush, which sometimes is love, and sometimes is heat of the moment
SweetCandyKitten: theres really no way to tell unless you give it a try
SweetCandyKitten: james, i dont think you realize what youre missing out on!!!
Dare de745: Well I cant just do this to carrie... When I like her friend... you
SweetCandyKitten: what bad can come from it, so maybe.. you peel away the
layers of carrie, you get to see whats on the inside and you dont like it....
okay, so then it doesnt work out and you break up
SweetCandyKitten: oh shit..
Dare de745: yeah..
SweetCandyKitten: well, i cant do this to carrie either, shes my best friend,
and she really likes you
Dare de745: Yeah how do you think I felt being but in this possition when I
really like you.
SweetCandyKitten: oh god, i dont know
Dare de745: It hurt.
SweetCandyKitten: Im really sorry james... but I cant
SweetCandyKitten: right now, Im really interested in ben.. and plus, carries my
best friend
SweetCandyKitten: I think youre a great guy james, i really do, but it cant
happen right now, im sorry
Dare de745: I guess I am sol and plus you dont like me the least bit so I am
just waisting my energy typing
Dare de745: I didn't think anything would ever happen i will just go on my life
acting like this never happended then.
SweetCandyKitten: james, you cant say that I dont like you after hearing me
preach about how i feel about liking someone
SweetCandyKitten: dont judge it until you give that person a chance

Dare de745: Well you have never giving me the slighest hint.. even when i
though the choir thing had sparked us and we would be good friends and we would
progress.. but i was just living in a peach filled world where everything goes
right.
SweetCandyKitten: no james.. sometimes things just go wrong
SweetCandyKitten: like timing
SweetCandyKitten: lol, you had the worst timing, always happened to call when i
was busy
SweetCandyKitten: then i heard carrie liked you, and i didnt feel right calling
you behind her back
Dare de745: It always made me feel like shit
Dare de745: When you always would find somthing to be busy about.
SweetCandyKitten: james, dont make it sound like i was making excuses when i
wasnt
SweetCandyKitten: thats not fair
SweetCandyKitten: i was busy.....
Dare de745: I always though you were
Dare de745: Do you want a regular pic of me?
SweetCandyKitten: i have some
Dare de745: How?
Dare de745: Well now you have one more
SweetCandyKitten: k

Dare de745: Look at it
SweetCandyKitten: i did
Dare de745: Well?
SweetCandyKitten: nice :)
Dare de745: =]
Dare de745: What should I say carrie asked me if we were talking about her ?
SweetCandyKitten: yea, but not bad
Dare de745: Well now you know how i feal... How do you feal?
SweetCandyKitten: i dont know what to say
Dare de745: Should I tell her what we talked about?
SweetCandyKitten: no
Dare de745: like what should I say then?
Dare de745: I just say we mentioned you a couplke of times
Dare de745: couple
Dare de745: I want you to sleep on it and tell me your honest awnser tomarrow
ok?
SweetCandyKitten: k
Dare de745: Don't worry.. I an't expecting much.. I know you are involved with
ben and everything
Dare de745: =]
Dare de745: ???
Dare de745: you just gonna say nothing
Dare de745: Dont leave me hanging like this.. please
Dare de745: Do you still dont wanna talk?
Dare de745: Amie are you there!?
Dare de745: ?Not no more you said sorry
Dare de745: ops wrong im

Jill wants to meet me durring her lunch to make out or something. I don't know if I will. I ended up kissing her on Thursday after school because jokingly I said I would and then she took me up on it. *sigh* We'll see what happens.

Today was... weird

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 23:50:29 GMT

Well, it's crazy..

So I got to school late as usual *woot* and I saw Diandra, yunno, the girl who offered me casual sex but I turned her down to go after Mirzeta but then I was left with nothing! Well today she gave me a hug (which is normal) and this time she slid her leg to my crotch, okay I went nuts trying to walk down the hall to my next class *BLUSH*. This girl always teases me and it drives me nuts because I want to do stuff with her maybe be with her and she has a man yet teases me SOOOO much!

After 4th period I saw this girl named Sharon in the hall, I was walking down the stairs and saw her near the bottom.. Her and I made eye contact so she didn't go up the stairs. Jokingly, I grabbed her face with both hands (gently) and went to kiss her but stopped like a quarter inch in front of her lips and stopped. I pulled back and said "Whoa, you didn't pull back" and then she said something but I didn't really notice what then I went in again and just kissed her. It was weird, she seems like a cool/down-to-earth girl. For all of 5th period and part of 6th I was left thinking of her and thinking of how I *might* pursue it.

Then after school I started to walk to the front corner to go chill till the metro would come, but on my way there I saw Amisha standing with Diandra. So I walk by knowing they are there to see if they will call after me. And sure enough, both of them yelled my name a few times till I turned around. Amisha came and gave me a hug, which was cool because I've known her for like 5 years. And then Diandra gives me a hug after her, but this time she bites my neck! I'm thinking "Oh my, not out side now!"

Gah, I'm a whore.. with hugs. Everyone needs hugs and I give them :) Normally all this doesn't happen.. it's just the normal hug and then move on. But I feel like a whore now! hehe

Ahhh well today has been a tease. I don't know what to think of it. heh

And to think, I still feel alone

Truely Amazed.

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 05:20:22 GMT

Amazed.

I am so amazed at people these days. Lets talk about the magic word, Love. Love is something shared amongst people who would "emotionaly" die if they did not converse with their signifigant other. Like in mariage for instance, thats love, not just tip of the iceberg.

It bugs me so much when I hear people and they talk about love and it's been a short time in a relationship. "Oh but I've liked them for so long before we went out!" Don't try to throw that one at me. Yeah you might have liked them for a long time, but that doesn't count for much. 99% of the time, you're mistaking love for another emotion. Hell, maybe you like being with someone. Maybe you love when someone actually gives you the time of day.

Girls, go into your silent room and write a list of 20 things of why you love your "loved" one. Make it to 20 without repeating pettie items and I might listen to your problems.

I'm sorry I can't edit myself but I am going to use you as an example.
So this girl, likes this guy named Ian a lot. They have started to go out and have been for a month or maybe two, I'm not completely sure. She has written in her journal about how she loves him, she has it in her profile of how she loves him and no one else understands. Recently, he got grounded for ONE month for throwing toilet paper on peoples houses. Now I'm a caring guy who listens to peoples problems. And this girl is devistated because her Ian is grounded for one month.

I've been pondering this for a long time. Trying to find out how girls really work. Trying to understand them further and what not. And this has bewildered me. Maybe that girl wanted to feel like she belonged to something. That she would be missed if she disapeared for some time. I think what this girl is feeling is only the tip of the ice berg. Maybe she is crying out for attention, who knows.

All I've got to say is wait till college to find love, or untill you can put yourself 100% aside for that person you care for. If you bother looking for love within Middle School or High School, you will find your search is a lot harder then it would normally be.

Maybe my past experiences and my general thinking has hardened my heart, who knows. And if you comment me telling me I don't know what I'm talking about, maybe I should post my Stephanie story sometime. I was once "in love" and yes I'll admit I still love the girl, but I hate her at the same time. And yes, it was only the tip.

sigh

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 01:20:53 GMT

Enough is enough... This sucks.

I'm tired of being tired of everything. Even the things I used to love to do get old really quick and it pisses me off.. Life doesn't seem to be that much fun anymore. Gah

Being 18 I told my mother I was gonn goto a few strip clubs tonight, but turns out no one will drive and go with me. Ohh well.. Time to go drown my sorrows in a bottle =\

I started talking to this cheerleader at my school, she is like, the oposit of what you'd think in a cheerleader. Ohh well. Maybe I can charm her, she is an awesome girl..

Gahhhhh

"If I had a heart, it would be gray" NIN

Sooowie

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 04:39:07 GMT

I haven't updated recently.. at all.. And I am sorry.

Today is my Birthday.. I got a balloon from someone I didn't know. But Nic had the same birthday as me and told this girl and she got us both balloons. How fun, from then on I got superficial happy birthdays... Ho humm

Back to watching The Apprentice and American Idol.. hzzzuh!

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 00:06:11 GMT

Fefe Dobson should die. I dislike this female very much. I find her music VERY annoying. And she has a big forehead.... blah... DIE@$!@%#

Horrah! No, Just Blah!

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 02:36:12 GMT

Why do all the assholes get the girls?!!!?! I am tired of being that “friend till the end” type of guy to all these girls. I help them SOO much with all their problems they hardly listen to me.. I feel like a used rag doll, and no one even wants to clean my face.

Auto response from (someone, doesn't matter who): thenks alot james your the bestest fwen i can every possibly have :-D brb gone shopping holler at the cell beaaachhh :-D

I just talked to this girl for the first time. I see her on the bus every once in a while, she is an awesome girl. Awesome heart. She is like 4 years younger then me so she is like extremely illegal so I think I will take care of her like a little sister. Ahhh I'm just so tired of girls seeing me as the friend type, I hope college will be different. Where as the women will take my wisdom as an attractiveness instead of a “brother” characteristic.. =\

Wellll hrmm..

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 02:20:01 GMT

I am a tad bit bored, kind of ancy to get on with school with my (somewhat) new outlook on life.

I think I got an STD, but I don't know what it is, in all honesty I am kind of scared about it. 3 of the 4 girls I've had sex with at one point or another I had no condom on. So, yeah, I haven't had any in like.. a long time and it's popping up now. Well I'm going to head to the local teen clinic but I don't have a ride. I might have to trek on the bus'! *sigh*

Did you guys know that Bush planned Iraqi invasion pre-Sept. 11
? Yeah, I know, doesn't sound that crazy with all we have been through right? Well watch 60 minutes tonight!!%#!

What are the name of the fonts and brushes people use for icons and such for lj? I might get into the scene, but who knows.. I need to know where to get them too.. o.0 Does everyone use Adobe After Effects for the animation?

Ahhh horrah! On Febuary 11th I get to goto the Fall out Boy show up here in Graceland! Also Mest and Matchbook Romance and another band.. I CAN'T WAIT!!

I have ZERO money yet for my hair-cut. Stingy peoples, oh well, only had like 2 days at school this last week.

Tired!!

Sun, 11 Jan 2004 01:55:54 GMT

Well, last night I decided to have some fun with my friends.. An eigth of purp down and killed off a half gal of vodka, we we're pretty gone.. Hardly slept, now I'm butt tired. Nothing too exciting has happened recently. I talked to this girl durring lunch on Friday, she is super cute. But I forgot her name! Ha :P

Now I'm going to eat tariyaku!

I'm such a photoshop whore

Wed, 07 Jan 2004 22:57:57 GMT

I had to do it! :)

Bored

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 21:38:40 GMT

I've been told you can't see the face.. But the face if white and the insides/hair is a darker color.. Kinda how I feel

Does anyone know any companies or competitions where I could send my poetry in in hopes of getting published?
Do you guys thinkg I'm good enough to get published?

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 20:26:10 GMT

SNOW!!!

Read this...

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 05:06:16 GMT

This is my story basicly. I stole it from lilmisslynn, who stole it from a website..

Nice guys finish last...

It’s amazing that assholes can get girls. They are assholes at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. IT’S A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen, until they get what they want. They girl they are with at the time thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what assholes the guys really are, the girl pretends like the asshole is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the asshole into a nice guy, but assholes will always be assholes. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the asshole. But she claims to love the asshole. now this is where the theory begins. She doesn’t want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the asshole right away, instead she will stay with the asshole. Girls are idiots sometimes. They don’t realize that the nice guy has been there all along. He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is just like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to about their asshole boyfriend. The problem is that since he is a nice guy he keeps listening. Since girls get attached to things that pay attention to them, they think of the nice guy as a friend. A FRIEND. They don’t say, “Oh he’s hot” or “I want to have his children” about the nice guy, they just want the emotional support. When they get the emotional support from the nice guy, they don’t need it from the asshole. The nice guy gets the shit end of the stick while the asshole gets all the action. Is being a nice guy really the route to take to get action. Guys have been down this path before, and for most its gotten them nowhere. The girl will always go after the assholes because there are always nice guys there to listen. The girl wont “come to her senses” and realize what an asshole her boyfriend is like in the movies. instead she will just go after another asshole, and unless you stop being a nice guy, she will never go after you. Women complain that there are no nice guys in the world. Right. They are obviously not looking hard enough because there are nice guys EVERYWHERE!!!! Girls aren’t looking for nice guys… they say they are but they’re not. They are looking for the perfect asshole, but there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect asshole. All in all, the nice guy gets the shaft. To all the girls out there with boyfriends that don’t treat you with respect, that don’t listen to you, and that don’t care about you I say this; look next to you. The guy that has been standing next to you the whole time is the guy you have been looking for. He is what you want your asshole to be like. He knows more about you than you know about yourself… because he has listened to it all.

My Insides - Poem..

Mon, 05 Jan 2004 06:28:36 GMT

My Insides

There are four walls, labeled loneliness
Does any one know I'm in here?
If you were there, I could be in bliss
They always told me, have nothing to fear

There are four corners, labeled grief
I can't believe it has gone this far
With no thought left to think, I lay in disbelief
Wondering, how I got so bizarre

There is one light, labeled envious
Wishing, I could find the one for me
For I am another face amongst the anonymous
But now I'll sit here, and let time be
1.4.04

Copyright James B

And No, this is not completely because of you Madison, you just made me realize some of my faults..

YAWN

Sun, 04 Jan 2004 17:01:50 GMT

It's almost 8 am!! I have been up sense 3am and I went to bed at like 1:30am.. fun right? Well I had to do my Mother's paper route with her this morning.. And we were out by this elementary (On Wax Road, not Covington Elm) and we were turning towards it.. And poor ol' Mother not thinking about the ice at the time went way to fast into the turn.. we ended up sliding a good 100 feet and did like a 90 degree turn. It was plenty fun, but kind of scary at the same time!

I've decided that next year I am going to a different school district, even though I should be a Senior, I've messed around too much the past 2 years to graduate on time.. =\

I've also decided to beg for dimes from people till I have enough to pay for an $11 hair cut, I wonder how long it will take.. I will be starting tomorrow!

And I also plan to stay up as long as I can because school is tomorrow and if I sleep I know I will be up late tonight! :)

Howdy!

Sat, 03 Jan 2004 05:24:37 GMT

Well I dunno what to write. Last thing I wrote was that stupid quiz entry.. Ithought I would never do one of those yet, that one did fit me perfectly..

I just found out that a girl I've known all my life is getting married next year, maybe I should be happy for her. She is moving on with her life and it's picking up pace. Yet, it still hurts, knowing that her and I had something going.. And I blew it away, now look at me... I'm one lonely platapus... =\

I'm Quitting.. This is a new beginning, no resolution, no superficial promise, this is real.
Fuck what every one else thinks. In the end, it's still my life, and not theirs..