| Issues |
[Aug. 28th, 2005|07:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Crossfade - Colors | ] |
Wow, wow is damn near all I can say. I thought I wouldn't have to use this again, but more and more I am feeling like a stray wolf who is lost in the woods, yet right next to the people he has always known, and still can't help to feel completely misunderstood/lonely. I haven't had a serious/honest relationship for years, and when I "say" years I mean 3.. And I feel that because of my relationship issues, apart of me has died a painful death. And I feel that coupled with a disorder that I've developed recently, it's going to make hanging onto people a lot harder, especially a girlfriend.
Now onto this disorder, now I haven't gone to a psychologist yet but I can tell I got something wrong up there. Maybe it's my years of smoking or the month or two when I used shrooms, but something is brewing inside of me that make's me eff everything up. Sometimes I find myself searching for words so I stutter sometimes. Or I just don't talk because I have nothing to talk about.. And it feels so weird to type that knowing my past as a hyper kid who couldn't keep his mouth shut. But now, everything has gone a little down hill. Now what I'm trying to figure out if this is a drug related issue or a psycological issue. Is it because I smoke too much or because something is abnormal in my brain and now I can't think straight at times. Or maybe, just maybe this is how I handle stress... I can honestly say in my life that normally I handle stress so good that I could just shrug everything off. But now this is stuttering business is so fustrating it creates a massive ammount of stress and anxiety and I just don't know what to do these days.
All of that has been on my heart recently. I apologize for not keeping up with this diary, I thought I could just kick this to the side and not deal and/or think or even process my problems that they'd just go away. Unfortunatly, I was completely wrong and now I am suffering deeply because of it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2004|12:27 pm] |
Was bored so I made a pic. I remember in my noob Photoshop days on here with the guy and blood.. classic :P
Uhhmm.. Yeah working more recently.. Tom came back from Az and broke up with his hot asian girl friend and he misses the asian holes... ^^;;
http://www.shadow-phoenix.com/
I am currently working as a 2d Graphics teammember for that Half Life 2 Mod. ;) And the pic above got me the job :P |
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| I.... |
[Aug. 13th, 2004|09:44 pm] |
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I want you.. will you love me? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2004|08:58 pm] |
SHAWING!
I got a job today at Albertsons I get paid $7.26 per hour and I get time and a half on Sundays ($10.87)..
I'm looking forward to it. I had smoked weed 2 weeks prior to drug test (GAH!) so I went and bought a $50 QCarbo drink from GNC.. and it worked and made my piss come accross clean.
So I'm happy.... Uhhm... not much else to put up... yeah.... |
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| Well |
[Jun. 20th, 2004|10:22 pm] |
Well I haven't died or anything.. I'm out of school, forced to get a GED due to the fact if I had to go and make up the 5.5 credit's I need it would take $4800(child support) out of my $10,000 college fund set up by my father. So I am going to college in January with my friend and I might move out.
Shazam for the update! |
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| Life is dull |
[Mar. 21st, 2004|06:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None | ] |
Nothing new has been happening recently. I tried hookin up with this one girl Katie from my school, but then I realized that she wasn't my type. I want to pursue Jessica but sadly she never calls anyone (anxiety or something) and I need that in a relationship.
I want things to happen with a girl but not till the right one comes around =\ |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2004|05:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Thrice - Silhouette | ] |
Sorry I haven't writen in a while. Nothing too major has gone on lately. I was off of school for a whole week. Oh joy. I got my camera.. Plenty of fun I guess Well today was... eventful.. I got a hug from this girl named Beverly, the same girl whom I've known all highschool and have had a minor crush on her the whole time. She's pretty awesome.
After school I was walking to catch the Metro and I hear from over my sholder "Katie whats up gurl?!" After the friendly greeting the tables quickly turned. "What the fuck, I heard you fucked my man bitch!" I was like ut oh! And Kaitie isn't small, but she ain't fat either (5'10" Thick build, but I woudn't call her fat).. Then the fists started flying, I was rather excited to see girls not so much only pull hair but throw blows and fight. It was great.After about 5 minutes passed and the cops came all of us left.
While walking to the bus stop Andrew stops me to say whats up and we walked towards the bus and he was like "We need to talk" and he told me this before break so I was expecting it. So he brings up the fact that I sold his womans mother some things and she got no buzz. She took 6 of them and felt nothing (She got 10 for $20). And now he tells me she wants her $20 back.. I'm thinking what the fuck?! It's not my fault she has a built up resistance (People buy OxyContin for $20 from her all the time). She now he says "bring $20 on friday or bad things will happen" I'm like WHAAAAA?!
1. It's only $20
2. It's not my fault she didn't feel anything when I've taken em and felt numb as fuck
3. I've given them to other people and have had NO complaints.
This is so stupid. If he even trys to fight me on Friday I'm just going to laugh in his face. I have more dirt on them then they have on me. So what I sold 20? Fine me. She's delt so much more of a harder drug. Anything happens to me you can GARANTEE I'm going to be breaking into their shitty ass apartment and getting my money back one way or another.
Anyways. I'm here and reading. Don't delete/forget about me. |
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| Yeah, I know.. |
[Feb. 13th, 2004|07:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Boxcar Racer - I feel so | ] |
I will do a real update soon, I promise.
And yes, thats the tracking for my digital camera! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2004|03:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Trapt - Echo | ] |
So last night was rather… interesting. Ryan and I decided we should go up to Snoqualmie pass and tear it up in the parking lot. Great plan right? Well there has been this weird noise under his car for a while, sounded like something loose. So we get going, having fun doing a few doughnuts then all of a sudden the noise stops, we're thinking sweet, fixed the problem!. Low and behold we go down the street a little and the car is smoking a lot! We pull to the side and try to pour more oil in it and the oil goes straight through to the ground. Sucky eh?!
So we start the car after my reassurance that John's car has went 500 miles with out oil.. We make it like 12 miles and then we have engine failure, it cut out. So we're sitting on the side of the road at like 10:30 in the snow, in the cold. After calling different places getting tow truck numbers all has failed because now it's getting later and snow is falling. Finally we call Triple A my friend signs up for an account ($85) and then it's $3 per mile after the first 5 miles of the tow. So he tells us in total it's roughly $220 total.. We say fine because he had $145 in cash and I have money at home for my camera where I could front it to him. We wait about 45 minutes and then we call back and find out that they didn't have anyone coming out to get us, they lied to us to make us keep the account.
Soon his mother arrived and drove us up to the lodge and we got a number of a place and they drove it to North Bend and charge my friend $122.. So it's safe to say he needs to find someone with a tow latch.. thingy.
So I got home at 3:30 AM.. Yeah it's safe to say I slept till about noon today and didn't go to school.. I had a crazy dream.
Tom and I were getting drunk and this one guy calls me and tells me he is bi.. And it was supposed to be Mike's house but it didn't look like his house. It was a cool dream..
<3 |
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| An old convo |
[Feb. 1st, 2004|10:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Well I found this old convo in my email in the saved folder. It's hard to believe at 14 I had felt what love was. this is a convo about this girl named Carrie who I went out with and still talk to here and there. I was talking to her good friend (neighbor out in the boonies) Amie. Amie wanted me to give Carrie another chance. Finally I snapped and told her that I'm not attracted to Carrie at all, all I wanted was to mess around. Gah I've grown so much and yet stayed the same in so many ways.
( And you can read it here. )
Jill wants to meet me durring her lunch to make out or something. I don't know if I will. I ended up kissing her on Thursday after school because jokingly I said I would and then she took me up on it. *sigh* We'll see what happens. |
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| Today was... weird |
[Jan. 28th, 2004|03:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jimmy Eat World - Your New Aesthetic | ] |
Well, it's crazy..
So I got to school late as usual *woot* and I saw Diandra, yunno, the girl who offered me casual sex but I turned her down to go after Mirzeta but then I was left with nothing! Well today she gave me a hug (which is normal) and this time she slid her leg to my crotch, okay I went nuts trying to walk down the hall to my next class *BLUSH*. This girl always teases me and it drives me nuts because I want to do stuff with her maybe be with her and she has a man yet teases me SOOOO much!
After 4th period I saw this girl named Sharon in the hall, I was walking down the stairs and saw her near the bottom.. Her and I made eye contact so she didn't go up the stairs. Jokingly, I grabbed her face with both hands (gently) and went to kiss her but stopped like a quarter inch in front of her lips and stopped. I pulled back and said "Whoa, you didn't pull back" and then she said something but I didn't really notice what then I went in again and just kissed her. It was weird, she seems like a cool/down-to-earth girl. For all of 5th period and part of 6th I was left thinking of her and thinking of how I *might* pursue it.
Then after school I started to walk to the front corner to go chill till the metro would come, but on my way there I saw Amisha standing with Diandra. So I walk by knowing they are there to see if they will call after me. And sure enough, both of them yelled my name a few times till I turned around. Amisha came and gave me a hug, which was cool because I've known her for like 5 years. And then Diandra gives me a hug after her, but this time she bites my neck! I'm thinking "Oh my, not out side now!"
Gah, I'm a whore.. with hugs. Everyone needs hugs and I give them :) Normally all this doesn't happen.. it's just the normal hug and then move on. But I feel like a whore now! hehe
Ahhh well today has been a tease. I don't know what to think of it. heh
And to think, I still feel alone |
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| Truely Amazed. |
[Jan. 27th, 2004|09:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Evergreen Terrace - Sunday Bloody Sunday | ] |
Amazed.
I am so amazed at people these days. Lets talk about the magic word, Love. Love is something shared amongst people who would "emotionaly" die if they did not converse with their signifigant other. Like in mariage for instance, thats love, not just tip of the iceberg.
It bugs me so much when I hear people and they talk about love and it's been a short time in a relationship. "Oh but I've liked them for so long before we went out!" Don't try to throw that one at me. Yeah you might have liked them for a long time, but that doesn't count for much. 99% of the time, you're mistaking love for another emotion. Hell, maybe you like being with someone. Maybe you love when someone actually gives you the time of day.
Girls, go into your silent room and write a list of 20 things of why you love your "loved" one. Make it to 20 without repeating pettie items and I might listen to your problems.
I'm sorry I can't edit myself but I am going to use you as an example.
So this girl, likes this guy named Ian a lot. They have started to go out and have been for a month or maybe two, I'm not completely sure. She has written in her journal about how she loves him, she has it in her profile of how she loves him and no one else understands. Recently, he got grounded for ONE month for throwing toilet paper on peoples houses. Now I'm a caring guy who listens to peoples problems. And this girl is devistated because her Ian is grounded for one month.
I've been pondering this for a long time. Trying to find out how girls really work. Trying to understand them further and what not. And this has bewildered me. Maybe that girl wanted to feel like she belonged to something. That she would be missed if she disapeared for some time. I think what this girl is feeling is only the tip of the ice berg. Maybe she is crying out for attention, who knows.
All I've got to say is wait till college to find love, or untill you can put yourself 100% aside for that person you care for. If you bother looking for love within Middle School or High School, you will find your search is a lot harder then it would normally be.
Maybe my past experiences and my general thinking has hardened my heart, who knows. And if you comment me telling me I don't know what I'm talking about, maybe I should post my Stephanie story sometime. I was once "in love" and yes I'll admit I still love the girl, but I hate her at the same time. And yes, it was only the tip. |
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| *sigh* |
[Jan. 23rd, 2004|05:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Linkin Park - In the End | ] |
Enough is enough... This sucks.
I'm tired of being tired of everything. Even the things I used to love to do get old really quick and it pisses me off.. Life doesn't seem to be that much fun anymore. Gah
Being 18 I told my mother I was gonn goto a few strip clubs tonight, but turns out no one will drive and go with me. Ohh well.. Time to go drown my sorrows in a bottle =\
I started talking to this cheerleader at my school, she is like, the oposit of what you'd think in a cheerleader. Ohh well. Maybe I can charm her, she is an awesome girl..
Gahhhhh
"If I had a heart, it would be gray" NIN |
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| Sooowie |
[Jan. 21st, 2004|08:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | TV | ] |
I haven't updated recently.. at all.. And I am sorry.
Today is my Birthday.. I got a balloon from someone I didn't know. But Nic had the same birthday as me and told this girl and she got us both balloons. How fun, from then on I got superficial happy birthdays... Ho humm
Back to watching The Apprentice and American Idol.. hzzzuh! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2004|04:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cursive - The Recluse | ] |
Fefe Dobson should die. I dislike this female very much. I find her music VERY annoying. And she has a big forehead.... blah... DIE@$!@%# |
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| Horrah! No, Just Blah! |
[Jan. 12th, 2004|06:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mest - Chelsea | ] |
Why do all the assholes get the girls?!!!?! I am tired of being that “friend till the end” type of guy to all these girls. I help them SOO much with all their problems they hardly listen to me.. I feel like a used rag doll, and no one even wants to clean my face.
Auto response from (someone, doesn't matter who): thenks alot james your the bestest fwen i can every possibly have :-D brb gone shopping holler at the cell beaaachhh :-D
I just talked to this girl for the first time. I see her on the bus every once in a while, she is an awesome girl. Awesome heart. She is like 4 years younger then me so she is like extremely illegal so I think I will take care of her like a little sister. Ahhh I'm just so tired of girls seeing me as the friend type, I hope college will be different. Where as the women will take my wisdom as an attractiveness instead of a “brother” characteristic.. =\ |
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| Wellll hrmm.. |
[Jan. 11th, 2004|06:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mark Willis - She's in Love | ] |
I am a tad bit bored, kind of ancy to get on with school with my (somewhat) new outlook on life.
I think I got an STD, but I don't know what it is, in all honesty I am kind of scared about it. 3 of the 4 girls I've had sex with at one point or another I had no condom on. So, yeah, I haven't had any in like.. a long time and it's popping up now. Well I'm going to head to the local teen clinic but I don't have a ride. I might have to trek on the bus'! *sigh*
Did you guys know that Bush planned Iraqi invasion pre-Sept. 11
? Yeah, I know, doesn't sound that crazy with all we have been through right? Well watch 60 minutes tonight!!%#!
What are the name of the fonts and brushes people use for icons and such for lj? I might get into the scene, but who knows.. I need to know where to get them too.. o.0 Does everyone use Adobe After Effects for the animation?
Ahhh horrah! On Febuary 11th I get to goto the Fall out Boy show up here in Graceland! Also Mest and Matchbook Romance and another band.. I CAN'T WAIT!!
I have ZERO money yet for my hair-cut. Stingy peoples, oh well, only had like 2 days at school this last week. |
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| Tired!! |
[Jan. 10th, 2004|05:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None! | ] |
Well, last night I decided to have some fun with my friends.. An eigth of purp down and killed off a half gal of vodka, we we're pretty gone.. Hardly slept, now I'm butt tired. Nothing too exciting has happened recently. I talked to this girl durring lunch on Friday, she is super cute. But I forgot her name! Ha :P
Now I'm going to eat tariyaku! |
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| Bored |
[Jan. 6th, 2004|01:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cursive - Sing to the Beat | ] |
 I've been told you can't see the face.. But the face if white and the insides/hair is a darker color.. Kinda how I feel Does anyone know any companies or competitions where I could send my poetry in in hopes of getting published? Do you guys thinkg I'm good enough to get published? |
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